we need to heal our culture of solitude.
Updated: Jun 3, 2022
My dear fellow seekers of truth and beauty,
Once, while having a fine dinner with a friend in Paris, one elder man at the next table who seemed to enjoy traditional food and clothing, cried to us: "Finally! I see young people actually talking to each other during diner instead of starring on their damn phones!" His unique style of interrupting us struck us. "I blame the iPhone! It’s an American invention, of course!". We burst into laughs as we both realized how right- and funny- he was. And of course, I can see why he reacted this way when at mealtimes, coming together has become increasingly diminished, non-existent or distressed at the view of a phone vibrating on the table. Healthy and robust interactions from the grace of meals are seriously becoming outdated so that. Something catchy is always in the news, and social media is abuzz with activities. Relatively, both kids and adults have become phone or tech-savvy – not to say screen addicts- so this customary home issue would hardly sink deep into their being.
No doubt, the modern-day world has recorded some immense and glittering achievements with the help of science and technology. Still, it has equally had its drawbacks, especially in the areas of social interaction and cohesion. The tech revolution of the last decade has re-threaded social fabrics literally. Thus, the usual laughter-filled family or between friends' meals a few years ago are substituted with what has come to be a meal where there's no real communication. However, it should be emphasized here that technology isn’t a reason for loneliness; instead, it’s when someone, for various reasons, perceives things in the wrong perspectives that loneliness permeates.
Perspective is everything because being alone isn’t the same as loneliness. The disgrace stemming from not having close friends or a significant other is a recent idea -historically speaking. Suppose we regress in the history of western civilization. In that case, we'd see that the social status of the loner has changed many times and that our perception of solitude is a sociocultural product. A historical example of a dignified culture around loners comes from the early stages of Christianity and precisely from one of its most renowned monks, Saint Anthony of Egypt. He lived in the western part of the desert and practiced a life of meditation and solemn prayer. Solitude was not only a way to know thyself but a way to holiness. He was so exemplary and appealing that many young men volunteered and left their community to follow him and practice what was called 'Hesychsm.' Hence, solitude was the “good life” back then.
Solitude was not only a way to know thyself but a way to holiness.
Another one comes from the sacredness and respect that still surrounds a monk's life in eastern cultures. Even today, a monk, who has chosen solitude, conveys a different kind of power, one that stems from self-discipline and self-sufficiency. There's something mystic and frightening about monks, and that is their fearless connection to their solitude. They dive into it, knowing that they'll find there all the answers, despite knowing the road wouldn’t be easy. Solitude must be tamed to find inner peace.
However, the social status of loners changed again when a part of the Catholic Church altered its perspective when the Reformation emerged in the 16th century in Europe. The monastic life was suddenly a vast mistake. The ascetic life was viewed as an act of zealotry at best and mental degeneration at worst. The latter attitude was intensified by the ideals born later in history in the Romantic Era at the end of the 18th century. This era came painting such a blissful picture of marriage. It wasn’t just better to be married; it was liberating and, yet, innocuous. Thus, those not experiencing marital bliss were left in the lurch, thinking like outcasts, searching for where they got it wrong. Think of all the repeating themes of the romantic literature of the Brontë Sisters or Bridget Jones's diary(!). Yes, we’re very suggestible beings -more than we’re willing to admit
For there's an unspoken yet shared understanding of why someone is left alone: something must be wrong with this person.
This is why it seems to me we're still under the influence of the fabled and fantasized expectation of marital bliss. The proof is that the norm has become to be truly fulfilled only when finding a soulmate. Instead, I suggest that the narrative be changed to that of depth and discernment. Today, how many people do you know who have followers because they lead a solitary life? No one. On the contrary, spending time alone is considered a low-status and, most importantly, a dangerous mental activity.
We suffer because we lack a cultural community that will attend, with honesty, empathy, and compassion, the expression of the most intimate and vulnerable sides of our humanity.
The latter idea is amplified by the recent public discussion of the dangers of solitary confinement. We collectively confused being secluded with this sort of punishment or a dangerous endeavor. The days when men like Jesus or Buddha left the world for a while to comprehend themselves in their aloneness and achieve wisdom -to me, a secular word for enlightenment - are over. In other words, it isn’t normal anymore to want to be left alone.
Today, we lack a proper shared model to handle our loneliness. We’re lost in its multitudes of meanings. In addition, we have inherited some quite contradictive ideas about our need for solitude. On the one hand, our beliefs around solitude are forged through the civic-minded ideals of the greek roman culture; on the other, through the pro-solitary ideas of the Judeo-Christian and the movement of Romanticism. The question is, how do we hold this tension within us today when we are stripped of the myths that used to offer us a shared understanding and a sense of dignity when we're alone? For there's an unspoken yet shared understanding of why someone is left alone: something must be wrong with this person.
The question is, how do we hold this tension within us today when we are stripped of the myths that used to offer us a shared understanding and a sense of dignity when we're alone?
The question is, how do we hold this tension within us today when we are stripped of the myths that used to offer us a shared understanding and a sense of dignity when we're alone?
However, in reality, it is not the state of being alone that causes our suffering; it's the feelings of indignity, pain, shame, self-pity, a sentiment of exclusion, and the lack of love we so often experience in our inability to be alone. What makes us suffer is the lack of a culture that equally honors our need for solitude and togetherness. We suffer because we lack a cultural community that will attend, with honesty, empathy, and compassion, the expression of the most intimate and vulnerable sides of our humanity.
Because the way we hold this tension within us matters: drawing insights from our private lives can illuminate our public life powerfully.
To conclude, I would remind you that solitude has always been a paradise devoid of noise or pretentiousness for humanity's greatest minds. I suggest that when we’re alone, we should be proud of sharing a heritage with those great minds who throve in their privacy; from the most significant writers to the greatest inventors, they all bloomed in seclusion. Only the latter should make us feel more glamorous in our isolation. But most importantly, I propose that we don't forget that we never hold on to our ideals because something is wrong, but only from the nobility and higher sociability and suitable in it. Normality, though made to appear sanguine or harmless most times, might only possess that at face value, and that is, only when you haven’t had a cause to reschedule a more in-depth conversation within you. Because the way we hold this tension within us matters: drawing insights from our private lives can illuminate our public life powerfully.
May Eros and wisdom be with you,
